


couldn't make it disappear, oh I tried so hard to be strong

by sebvettels



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Heavy Angst, I can't write a summary, I just can't deal with Canada and I decided to write this down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 15:52:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19176517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebvettels/pseuds/sebvettels
Summary: Lewis and Seb in the aftermath of a race.





	couldn't make it disappear, oh I tried so hard to be strong

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is me trying to work my way with what happened on sunday, I don't know whether it's working or I just plunge even deeper to my sadness.

“Don’t be so angry,” Lewis says, after a while.

The silence is deafening. Brown eyes are focused on the blonde man who is pacing around across him. Lewis tries his best to remain still as he observes. They rarely bring home their problems on track. But, not today. Although the day is already fading into shades of night, Sebastian’s anger still lingers, filling the air with something tangible and Lewis can’t help but feels choked up.

Sebastian swallows down the word he almost lets out. No, it is not anger that’s thrumming in Sebastian’s veins. Perhaps, it’s easier for Lewis to call it that. And, well, Sebastian doesn’t bother to explain. It is a tiring job, trying to explain himself to people who don’t quite feel the same emotion, watching as they try to understand. He stays silent, hoping Lewis will take the hint and leave him be. Sebastian isn’t in a state to entertain anyone’s words.

Lewis smiles bitterly, looking at the state they’re in. The state Sebastian is in, with his wall so high up and wildfire cracking inside him, the way he has always been, the way Lewis hasn’t seen for so long. Not even in Baku a few years ago. It is the Sebastian before his Ferrari days when they were young and so idealistic, with victory as their end game and no room for anything else.

Lewis blinks away the thought and sighs, “Seb, I really mean it. I’m sorry.”

 _Stop_ , Sebastian wants to shout, _stop_ , _stop_ , _stop_. His heart aches, with want, with anger, with sadness, with more. He wants to shout so many things, most are unkind, at Lewis and hurt him so deeply, so permanently, that it’ll scar him, break him the way Sebastian can feel his heart breaking. It’s so easy to do it. He has always been told to be good with his words. He also knows Lewis, to the point of no return. It’s so very easy. But, Sebastian isn’t cruel. He can be mean and arrogant or even infuriating, but cruelty isn’t something that comes easy to him. He’s too careful, too sensitive for it. So Sebastian remains silent, letting the silence in the room drags on.

Something swells in Lewis, something he can’t identify. Perhaps it’s anger or frustration or tiredness wraps with some other feeling he has no recollection of ever feeling. Lewis tries his best to push it down, biting his tongue to stop anything from spilling out of his lips. He does his best to hold them back, lest he says something he might regret, something that’ll only serve to drive Sebastian away.

“I thought, this is it,” Lewis snaps his head up, startled at Sebastian’s voice, “We’re going to win. _I’m_ going to win it. I will prove all the haters wrong. I’m finally doing things right.”

Sebastian pauses, finally stopping his pacing, looking at Lewis dead in the eyes. He opens his mouth, ready to speak before he closes it again and sighs. He plops down to the couch across Lewis, running his fingers through his hair, eyes closed. The silence returns.

Lewis wants nothing more to stride across the room and does something, anything at all. There’s a chasm between them and Lewis’ heart stings at the thought. He has never felt as helpless as he is today, watching Sebastian slips away, unable to look at him in the eye. Is it how it’s going to be now? He knows that it wasn’t his fault. Hell, even Sebastian has said the same thing on the podium earlier. But, how much of it is true? Sebastian is always good at pretending, the years where they’ve raced together have proven it. Unlike him, who wears his emotion on his sleeves, unable to just grin and bear it. Sebastian has always been so good at it, until today.

Another sigh brings Lewis back to reality, eyes zooming into the German across him. He watches as Sebastian opens his eyes and stares directly into his. A moment passes and Sebastian deflates, “Just – just leave, Lewis. Please.”

Lewis stands up, his insides churning, “Seb, I –”

He tries to approach Sebastian, to utter another apology, to shake sense into the other man, or anything, anything to stop Sebastian from leaving, from hating him. But, Sebastian has already turned away, walking farther from where he is standing. Lewis shakes his head and heads to the door, heart heavy with despair.

He reaches out for the knob and twists it before his hand stills. Lewis turns around, voicing the question that has been haunting him for hours, “Do you hate me?”

He lets the silence washes over him for a brief minute. He waits for the answer, but it never comes. Lewis gulps and turns back to the door, twisting the knob and pushing it open. He is barely out of the door when a voice speaks out from the room, “I could never hate you even if I tried.”

Something in Lewis stirs, his hope is returning tenfold. Yet, he says nothing and closes the door behind him, leaving Sebastian alone. Giving Sebastian space and time he deserves.

Sebastian can feel the tension leaving his body when he hears the sound of the door closing behind him. He wants to assure Lewis more deeply, but it feels as if his body is frozen. And so, he has let Lewis go.

The empty room offers no more comfort now that Lewis has left. Sebastian can only walk to his bed and lie down, trying to find sleep despite his raging head and his aching heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how to end it and it's so bad I think the story ran away from me when I reached the middle of it, it's a mess. Uh leave kudos or comments if you want to, I guess?


End file.
